The Director of the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol does not have all the necessary information to locate me and plan the Winner´s Weekend. This is surprising because Publishers Clearing House has enough information about my residence for the United States Postal Service to deliver every week for a year a prize notification which demands my immediate attention. If the USPS can find me, how can Publishers Clearing House get lost? What will happen to the magazines I order? Oh, yeah, they´ll be delivered by the USPS.
The ACG Independent Judging Organization Award Administrators for Disbursements Division of Irvine, California, wants me to call a 900 for which I will be charged, on average, $28 ("$3.98 per min., 7 mins. avg.") to find out that I have won $1. Well, the odds are 1:1 that I won a dollar. The odds are 1:4,987,654 that I won $75 or more.
There are plenty of other pieces of mail of the same ilk. The envelope looks like a tax refund (remember those) check. The return address is cryptic enough to spark curiosity. Through the address window there is the hint of something which looks like a check. It says PAY TO THE ORDER OF and has an Authorized signature. It has an expiration date. Further inspection reveals THIS CHECK NEGOTIABLE FOR MERCHANDISE. It is made out for an amount subtitled MAXIMUM REDEMPTION VALUE. The letter accompanying the “check” lists all kinds of prizes. It says you must act today. Every other sentence ends in two exclamation marks.
Sometimes the letter looks and reads like a telegram. It often has
a map, driving directions, eligibility requirements, and fine print.
More accurately, the fine print is microscopic and explains that tax,
shipping, and handling shall not exceed what amounts to the wholesale
value of the prize. Sometimes the finest print lists the odds.
Always, the odds are that you´ll win the least valuable and most
vaguely described of the prizes. The letter always includes cleverly
crafted rhetoric which shrouds the reality of the offer and plays
seductively with the universal something-for-nothing fantasy. It
takes one response to one letter to learn to decode them all.
Notice: Our firm has been retained to locate Certified
Representatives in a National Grand Giveaway Program.
You are on their chump list.
According to our records, you have not claimed your
gift.
If you had, you would have thrown this letter in the trash without
even opening it.
We want to award you one of the following:
PRIZE No. 1: 2001 Cadillac or $78,999.99
Come visit us today. There´s a chance you could drive away in a
late model Cadillac..
Even if you won enough cash to buy three Hyundais, you’d choose
the Cadillac when you learned how much tax was involved in a cash
gift. The chance that you´ll drive away in a late model Cadillac
is excellent if that´s what you already drive. Otherwise, the
chance is 1 in a million six.
PRIZE No. 2: 11 inch Color TV. A more accurate description
is that it´s colorful. It comes in pink, puce, plaid, and
paisley. Your chance of winning it is twice as good as winning the
Cadillac, i.e. a snowball´s chance in a nuclear reactor.
PRIZE No. 3: Movie Recorder and Player. Record and play your
favorite home movies!!
The operative word here is “home”. This is not a VCR.
Remember Polavision, the instant home movie system? Well, the
promoters bought a million of those hummers at a Blue Light Warehouse
Discontinued Product Sale. Unfortunately, blank film cartridges are
no longer manufactured. You are 99.99% assured of winning this
obsolete device.
Call within 10 hours and receive a 7-piece designer luggage set
valued at $239.98.
The designer is adept at making $5 worth of cardboard look like
Corinthian leather. As a perk, it´s easily worth
$239.98&emdash;to the promoters.
Visit within 3 days or 72 hours, whichever comes first, and get
a free set of knives ($79.95 value).
Again, value is relative. You might want to use one of these to slit
your wrists after you realize how you wasted half your weekend.
(Don´t worry, you don´t really think these knives have been
sharpened, do you?)
Visit Thursday and Friday and get a free lunch.
Dad was right--there´s no such thing.
All respondents are eligible for a drawing for the Brooklyn
Bridge.
You need all the encouragement you can get to drive 120 miles to sit
3 hours to hear a sales pitch for something for which you´ll be
paying for 30 years.
These prizes have already been claimed:
Video camera with boom mike.
Mariner outdoor motorboat
$1000 cash
Six-foot Malibu Hot Tub
Some poor sucker got stuck with a black-and-white video camera with a
mike that goes boom, or paid shipping on a two-man inflatable raft
with an electric motor originally manufactured for use in a portable
blender (batteries not included), or drained his hot water heater
three times filling an oversized wading pool through a garden hose
hooked up to the washing machine hot water faucet, or paid state,
federal, and gift taxes of $973.63 on $1000 in winnings.
Call today between 8 and 6, Mon-Fri and 9 and 9 Sat.
Anytime will do. They´re hungry.
Ask for Operator R2D2.
The overworked receptionist is juggling calls for 17 other offers.
The number tells her for which offer you´ve fallen.
You must meet the eligibility requirements to claim any
gift.
If you don´t meet the requirements, you aren´t
breathing.
This is a limited offer.
It´s limited to your lifetime. You will receive a dozen more
similar if not identical notices this week.
Copyright 1996 by B.Ware. All rights deserved.