There is nothing more repugnant to me than inflatable accessories for inflatable pools, above-ground pools, in-ground pools, oceans, and bathtubs. There are three major reasons why inflatable water toys and accessories are the most ludicrous, sadistic, and idiotic products to ever plague the natatorial environment.
The first reason is that, being physical objects, inflatable pool accessories are subject to the same laws of physics to which all things are subject, especially the one that applies to food and air: "What goes in must come out." Under this law, inflatable pool accessories will not leak if (1) you do not inflate them, (2) once they are inflated, you store them in a cool, dry, dark place and never take them near water or an 8-year-old, (3) you have them inflated with foam by a professional (never attempt this at home unless you want your body cavities insulated and your fingers permanently stuck together).
The second reason inflatable pool accessories are the worst blight to hit water recreation since the backyard swimming pool is that they are all designed to require the same volume of air to inflate, that being exactly enough lungfuls to cause hyperventilation and vertigo. Most pool revelers prefer vertigo induced by beer or doing flips off the side of the pool against strict parental warning. Huffing and puffing on the tail of Puff the fluorescent lime green crocogater is humiliating enough. Passing out while Puff rebounds around the patio, propelled by carbon dioxide from your accelerated respiratory process, is downright degrading.
Sensitive children have been known to buy Dad a pump, complete with workout video, specially made for the purpose of inflating toys and turning Dad red instead of blue from jumping up and down trying to create enough pressure to get Tommy the Turtle to go ninja. Desperate dads risk electrocution using compressed air to shoot up actual size inflatable replicas of Shamu (one for each swimmer, of course). A compressor can also be used, at the discretion of the inflating party, to over-inflate Sigmund the Seamule so that Bart the Brat is sent into orbit when he jump-dives, despite being asked politely not to perform such acts, on Sigmund. Before you start feeling sorry for him, remember: Sigmund comes with a patch kit.
The third reason that inflatable pool accessories are the most infernal scourge to infest a dad is that Dad and the manufacturer, while willing to concede the possibility of a leak, never want to admit that these despicable objets d'garbãge are disposable. They come with a small tube of liquid and a piece of vinyl and sometimes instructions which lead Dad to believe that, once the inflatable pool accessory begins to leak (and it will), Dad will be able to (1) find the leak(s) [this has been known to happen after weeks of scrutiny with X-ray cameras and electron microscopes], (2) dispense just enough adhesive to fuse the patch to the inflatable pool accessory and not the fingernails, swimming attire, sixteen blades of grass, and/or the family pet, (3) stop the leak with a patch. (Believe it or not, some inflatable pool accessory conservationists have been known to attempt to patch a patch).
If by some miracle (as if a deity would waste its time) Dad gets an inflatable pool accessory pumped up, it never looks quite the same as it did at the store or in the picture on the box. Abandoned in the pool, it takes one gust of wind to send Hyram the Hippo directly to the closest available sharp object. If Dad is lucky, he'll see it (and give it an indecent burial) before the kids do.
Copyright 1996 by B.Ware. All rights deserved.